Introduction
As we prepare our decks for Fall Battle Roads, don’t forget to prepare for the types of opponents you will encounter. Yes, these opponents are usually in one shape or form at every tournament, so you’d best put this article in your back pocket and pull it out when you need it most. So, without further adieu, let’s check out these Poke-profiles:
Nooby-kid
The 8-year old kid who has no clue what is going on. Little Johnny is here with his mom, play mat, and a deck with fake or illegal cards and no trainers or supporters.
Strategy: Loan him a few cards, give him a few cards, and try not to make him cry when he loses.
Poke-dad
This guy has a mediocre to crappy deck because he’s spent all his money on his star kid playing in juniors or seniors.
Strategy: Be nice- most of these guys are friendly and like to give out advice, whether good or bad. Make sure to ask about their kids, answer their questions politely, and then beat them soundly.
Anime Look-A-Like
Hey, is that Ash??!?? Or wait- is that James from Team Rocket??? These are just Pokemon players that have somehow crossed dimensions into the Pokemon TV series and somehow made it back again. The aren’t the most socially adept, but they get a 10 for creativity.
Strategy: Try not to win T1; also, try not to make eye contact and keep the conversation on things like “What’s your favorite Pokemon?” Do NOT ask, “Have you ever had a girlfriend?” VERY BAD IDEA.
Living Chatot
Will this guy ever SHUT UP??!??? This is the guy who talks non-stop the whole match and gives a play-by-play recount of every action.
Strategy: STAY FOCUSED. This guy will eventually lose because he is too busy thinking about what to say next instead of actually playing. About ½ way through the match he will be silent for exactly 1 second when he realizes he has no chance of winning and then continue to narrate how badly he is going to lose.
Con-Le
You have about a 1-in-999,999 chance of actually winning this match, but if you do, you get bragging rights for the next 10 years.
Strategy: Shake hands after wiping the sweat off your palm and try not to make more than 50 mistakes your first turn for being so nervous. After losing, go brag to all your friends how it was a really close match (he took 6 prizes, you took 1).
Poke-kid
This is the son or daughter of Poke-dad above. Generally very nice and has an IQ out the yin-yang.
Strategy: Be careful with these child prodigy grand master players. You will often underestimate them because you beat their Poke-dad, but these kids will school you most of the time. When you lose, be sure to tell your friends that you let him win or you got a really bad start.
Rule Master
The most annoying player in all of Pokemon who wants to win at all cost. This is the guy who has memorized the rule book and calls every technicality on you. When he starts losing, he calls the judges over (who usually roll their eyes or groan loudly for being summoned for the 10th time) and accuse you of stalling.
Strategy: Don’t get too ticked off as it will affect your game play. If he wins by prize penalties, tell him that he needs to quit playing and become a permanent Professor.
Silent Sam
The hardest to read of all Pokemon opponents. You’re not sure if he’s just having a bad morning, a bad week or a bad life (or perhaps just constipated).
Strategy: Absolutely no conversation allowed. This guy will likely completely lose it at some point in the match and storm out of the tournament. Just try to finish out the match as quickly as possible and make sure this guy doesn’t follow you if you parked in a dark alley.
Conclusion
Hopefully many found this article to be very relevant and informative and an insightful profiling of your challengers. Best of luck this Battle Roads season!
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